I know some people who used to sit around a campfire and ask, “What if you were God for a day?” The answers ranged from humorous to thought provoking. There were a large range of answers but also recurring themes such as many pedophiles, murderers, and rapists would be immediately wiped off the face of the earth.
Recently I’ve been thinking if God ever has his regrets. I think God’s got a pretty good sense of humor. I mean shit… come on… the platypus?! So I invited God to go camping and I posed the question, “If you were able to clean up your mistakes with no guilt and nobody would find out, who would you get rid of and why?”
Funny thing is he didn’t even have to think. He just pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to me.
God’s Top Ten Mistakes:
10. Sean Hannity/Ann Coulter – Hannidate? AYFKM? Ann is probably under his desk so when he goes, its a two-fer.
9. Ted Haggard – Spreading MY word while doing crack with a male whore?
8. Kanye West – Because he’s an annoying, no talent, narcissistic pussy
7. Congresswoman Michelle Bachman – Batshit crazy. She was forged from one of Adam’s broken ribs and was missed on the recall.
6. Madonna – I told that bitch to back off on the Like a Prayer video
5. Adolph Hitler – My bad. I liked his paintings, before he went all “Cheney” on me.
4. Karl Rove – Actually a nice guy, but he sold his soul and covered up more shit than the groundskeeper at Churchill Downs.
3. Bill O’Reilly – Liar, liar! F*ck I hate this guy. Luckily Satan and I still have drinks once and a while, and he said he’d let me come down and watch Bill burn.
2. Dick Cheney – His name says it all. Hunting accident my ass. I saw that shit. Conniving, little evil f*ck. Next time I give him a heart attack, I’m going to hide his aspirin first.
1. Rush Limbaugh – Yeah I fucked up on this drug addicted hate monger. Would a salad fucking kill you, you sweaty fat pig. He’ll be the last one to go because I’d enjoy watching him choke on that f*cking cigar.
For the record, God is waaay cool to hang out with. Just don’t ask him about evolution. It’s a touchy subject.